my escape from reality.

Wow, seems like everywhere I go today, we’ve been there, sat there, talked there, laughed there, shared there, ate there together. It’s making me flash back to those days and it’s making me miss you.

I sometimes think about texting you, but I don’t know if I’m ready to rekindle this friendship again. But then again I couldn’t if I wanted too. My best friend deleted your number off my contacts.

I hate you for hurting me again and again but yes its partially my fault too for never saying anything from the start. Out of the three years of our friendship I have just allowed you, I just watched you toy with my feelings and my emotions (even if at some point you did it unknowingly but just the fact that i never said anything too) hoping something better would come out of it. But much to my surprise, worst mistake ever. I never said anything because I didn’t want to lose that friendship and I thought things would get better in time. I do miss you but it won’t change anything and I really can’t see us being those close friends we use to be. It’ll never work out, it’ll never be the same again.

I tell myself I’m over it and I am. Really, just sometimes, something reminds me of you and I think all over again. That feeling where you want to erase someone from your life completely? Well that’s you. I honestly feel that way. Losing you was one of my biggest fears. Because I lost someone before who I thought was ‘different’ and I fell but he failed to catch me. And you helped me get over that person, you helped build some confidence in me, you helped me let my guard down, helped me trust again, you helped me like myself, I liked who I was with you in it. Not even romantically but as my friend. But you let me fall too and failed to catch me and all that you helped me be, you built me up.. Just to break me down again.

Something always reminds me of you whether it’s a song, a saying, a band, a movie, a place, food. Something. And i hate it. Because i use to love those things and those things use to make me smile. Now whenever something crosses my mind i smile for a moment but then remember something about you and immediately become the opposite of that smile. I wish there was a place to permanently erase certain memories like in the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. So i can erase you and not have to be upset when i see something that reminds me of you that use to make me happy.

I wish i could do this with most of the people in my past. Not just you, but the other people who have hurt me and have ruined things for me now. Everyone. You’re not gonna see this, or maybe you will. But if you do don’t think all mighty high that i’m investing these thoughts on you, cause they’re not good thoughts. And its not just you. All the people who have fucked me over.

I wish i could erase all of you. 

But i don’t want to seem self fish, all i ever wanted was for you to be happy, i wanted to show you that i was trying, i didn’t want your past with her to happen again with me. But i blame myself too for not being able to make you happy enough to stay. But you made me happy. For a little bit.